signals

clouds whispered

as fires rode through the night sky

sending shadows of smoke

through the air.

standing against strength

I lunge into the unknown

only to weep in despair.

Don’t ask me for

More than I can give

More than I have

More than I am

More than the sky

More than the rain

More than the night

Can swallow a tear

More than your eyes

Could cause my fears

I love you more

Than

Me

breaking

Come back to me

I cried into the night

Darkest as dark

The clouds settling over

My mind and soul

Alone

Again

Crying silent tears

Growing cold

As rain fell harder

I looked down

To see you

Standing in front

Of another heart

Eyes darting back and forth

Me to her

But to your dismay

In my clouds I turned

And walked away

Free

Eager Eyes

He saw her there alone, celestial and shining eternal.

In the light of a thousand people she stood in the thriving.

He quietly cried to himself accepting that he could never touch her.

The longing and the loneliness forever expanding across his vision he turned away from himself and his emotions.  Leaving, he heard the din of life softly fading behind him to a never ending sea.

He walked with his head down in the shadows. Footsteps leaving an unseen path of breadcrumbs for her on the cold pavement bathed in lamp and an evening rain.

Through the night he wondered aimlessly through the world waiting for a moment, a passing moment to a thought of her face shining down on him from her heaven. The faintest of smiles washed over him as warmth wrapped its fingers slowly around his body.

He closed his eyes and forgave her for leaving him to his thoughts.

Bliss.

If she only knew.

The breath of a whisper— rain tempering leaves—memories passed him by in storm.

He stood letting her fall over his hair, body, and finally down his clothes to his bones.

Soft echoes wafted over him as the perfume of cars went by.

A quiet peace.

Undisturbed by noise.

Only knowing warmth.

She had found him again.

in hiding

The creatures gathered

To see the birth of the end

From the depths

To the heights

Of what was hidden

Calling demons

To fae

The creatures gathered

Expectantly gazing

The anticipation

Breaking silence

The creatures gathered

The end was their own illusion

To the eyes

Of myself

And others

home

Stepping and steps

Missed and tumbled

Fumbled

The fire keeps life

Until the embers glow into night

Stepping and steps

Into moonlight

The ground flattens

Silence and nature

Stepping

At a stones throw

Away from home

there is no distance…

“There is no distance between you and I.”

–This is what I heard from you as you spiraled away

From afar you claimed to be the long lost something of other

To a something or other.

You didn’t make any sense to me.

Maybe to whomever you were speaking to,

But not me.

The lights blinded my rolling eyes as I sat there

Waiting on you to surprise me with your reappearance.

Dodging every questioning glance from those around me

Looking at the clock

Sounds barraging my sense of well being

I still heard you—but farther away this time.

I could no longer see you in the engulfing crowd.

Distancing myself from you,

Finally breathing cold air—I awoke.

Looking at my clock

And the sunrise

In the distance.

 

Need not……

“Need not apply for the job that doesn’t exist.”

I was told this by my father once.

(–Or dad as I called him

Oz as his immediate family called him.

Joe as his employers called him.

Smokey by his coworkers when burning,

And Sparky when welding.)

I had started to volunteer and part time for work

He meant that I wasn’t getting paid enough

To work my ass off

Pessimist or realist?

I argued it looked good on a resume.

He countered, Ok but it doesn’t look good in your pocket.

My dad was a down to earth guy with a penchant for the ladies

Older and younger.

This got him into a lot of trouble where my family was concerned

Me though?

I just shook my head and saw him as my dad.

Did I mention that one of his arms was smaller than the other?

Some may look at this as a deformity… well I guess it was.

Many people told him as he was growing up

That he wouldn’t be able to do just about everything.

But to me he was my dad.

Did I mention he played professional trumpet?

He thought it would be an easy instrument to play.

After all it only had three buttons.

He always hid his hand and arm from view

Except when playing.

Toward the end I picked up my trumpet again.

You read that correctly.

And he picked up his from his younger years.

We played in concert with each other

Tunes of old—or as many people call them

The standards.

My favorites to play with him accompanying me?

“Besame Mucho”

“Over the Rainbow”—Judy Garland style

“This Love of Mine”

“I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles”

“Perfidia”

I could go on and on.

We always warmed up with “Malaguena”

Once, when he came to visit me,

We went to a music store on Broadway.

We got a trumpet out of the case

Pretending we were going to buy it.

Very timidly he took the instrument from my hands

And looked it over.

We played, warmed up on it,

“Malaguena” freestyle.

Everyone got quiet in the store.

I whispered to him,

“There you just played on Broadway.”

He looked down as a huge smile came across his face.

Maybe he was embarrassed.

But I can tell you this much,

He played the hell out of that instrument.

Sometimes he would stop playing and just watch me

This made me nervous

But I think he was sad

Not proud… or maybe a little of that too

But he would get a faraway look in his eyes

Like he was either seeing himself the way he was

Or seeing me for the first time

I’ll never know.

Distance meant nothing.

Sometimes, we would practice together via speakerphone.

I would play lead and he would play harmony.

The last song we were going to play together?

“Dream a little Dream of Me”.

I had the sheet music to it.

Had started studying it.

And then something happened.

We stopped playing trumpet

Why?

We never talked about it.

But I could sense things were changing.

And when he passed away?

My mom told me,

“He was excellent, but life could have been better.”

Did I mention he used to drive bus?

As a child the night would always calm me down.

My parents would put me in their car

And go for a drive.

I had every kind of illness allergy wise that you could think of.

My dad would get angry and frustrated with me sometimes.

I’d get an asthma attack if I laughed too hard.

I’d scratch at all of the rashes and hives I had.

Constantly itching and wheezing

Always calming down when he was behind the wheel.

My dad and my mom could never understand that.

And looking back on it I can’t either.

Welder, burner, and teacher of both,

He even cut some of the rails for the NYC subway.

The A line.

Because of this,

Riding the subway made me smile.

Yeah, riding the subway made me smile.

After all, nobody cares what you do on the subway.

We would drive down the highways on our many trips.

My dad pointing to the light poles—

“I made that. I cut the base.”

And he actually had.

Coast to coast.

Now I look on those highways and rails alone.

But when I drive at night?

The light always reminds me he’s actually there

And will be.

–At least until they construct new lighting along the length of route 80.

If and when that happens, I promise to pick up my trumpet again.

an open letter to my dreams

Once I thought I saw you standing across from me looking at the moon high above us.

I was wrong of course but I claim I felt your eyes.

There was no home for us I wrote to you in an old letter of imaginings.

Darkness always creeps in when I try to write to you.

I don’t know why but it seeps into the cracks that I try to paste together.

But I still write to you.

I always have and always will.

I know that you go to the places I go

I feel it

I can’t even explain that.

Maybe its not for me to know, but some other thing in the universe to understand.

I always mean to tell you something that in the end I can’t remember upon waking.

Annoying to some but when I fall to sleep I find comfort knowing you could be there.

In a fog smiling and waiting just to see me.

Just to say hi and look into my soul.

Even though I now wear glasses to both read and do just about everything, I can see you too.

I will never know your face but the eyes are always the same.

There haunting me

Leading me down a silent road to a distant land of appeasement and joy.

The mixture of emotion is always fleeting toward dawn…

This is an unfortunate event for me.

Is it for you too?

Tell me your secrets…

You say this without a spoken word.

Of course I can read your mind as much as you can read mine.

Let me pull you deeper into sleep.

Let me show you a land through my window that we can share.

Feeling this, a cool soft moss beneath my feet

Breathing in the damp evening air

All the while in the warmth of knowing that you are there with me.

Always.

Do you feel this too?

I can sometimes sense you smiling.

The moments we share in solitude.

When will you reveal your face to me??

Is this a cosmic way of telling me that you are in my fact my one true love?

Yet another question that would bring a sly smile to you.

That is if I even let you know I thought about this.

Oh to know where and when you will appear in life

It’s a yearning thought

Of course I can never hear your voice

Just a mind meld that is so often spoken of in television and movies.

Laugh as you want but you know it to be the truth.

When I feel the dawn rising

You look as sad as I feel

But I think you believe we will never meet again as you are.

This is a possible fact

There have been many smiles and secrets in my life.

All of which have no face

No name

And of course different lands to show me.

There is an innocence in all of this.

I appreciate that.

I never want that to change.

I doubt you would either.

I am writing this to you with a smile that I know would make you grin

Most certainly as much as you did last night when I tried to get you to say something verbally.

The care you take with your secrets amaze me.

I wish I had that same dedication.

I just chuckled.

If you could see me now.

Doing this while my favorite music plays in the background.

It’s now almost 3am on a Friday night Saturday morning

I have broken the chain of our promises and have chosen to explain myself to you again

In another letter of imaginings.

I send this to you.

And this time the universe too…

With all of my love.

R